Me and my big mouth.
I guess Fajar Jasmin’s idea about this viral creative writing workshop blinded me. I mean, it’s a great viral idea, got me excited and all that. Chose one song from 100 lists he provided that will trigger our creative juice most, and make a blog post based on that title. So after Kapkap tagged me (based on my oh-so-not-very-ladylike request) I chose Fix You by Coldplay.
[and now I am looking at my blank type editor]
As he suggested, probably listening to the song itself will help. While it’s being played in my iPod, I closed my eyes, shut all my rational thoughts from the left side of my brain, and I see… a dark hospital wing, at night. Doctor’s feet walking in slow motion. And myself there, sitting, waiting, alone, closing my face in despair, too tired to sleep, too arrogant to cry…
Light will guide me home, and ignite my bones… and he will try fix me…
Wait, he… who is he? Who is the ‘I‘ in “I will try to fix you…”?
It became clear to me why I always find that song moves me. It reminds me to the lowest points in my life, which allows me to pity myself (I don’t know why it painted hospital pictures in my head) and provides me with some sort of believe that some miracles (in any kind of form) will fix me.
The song is ambiguous. At first I thought it’s all about me, me, me… my despair, my sadness, my oh my help me help me. But the real message is being tucked gently at the end of the lines.
And I will fix you.
I don’t care who he is. He engaged me by knowing how much I am longing for help. And I love with that song because with its own way, it does fix me.
And if I want look at that statement from a different angle, I will ask myself a question,
When was the last time I fix somebody?
I suppose “fix somebody” here means do anything good without hoping anything in return.
I… don’t know when. I forgot when was the last time I did something without the thought of me standing in the center of the universe. Because I feel, I want, I need, I, I, I, began with I and ended with… me, and myself.
I gave money to the poor just to shoo them away, I tipped my maid because I appreciate her work and expecting she would keep on doing the good work, I pat the dogs and cats in the street because I love animals, I (this will sound very ugly) will do free ads for NGO not because I care so much for the world, poverty, and its global warning, but because if it’s cool enough it might win any awards for me, me, and of course… myself.
I want to be fixed, but I have never fixed anyone.
No, I am not proud of it, and no I don’t need to be pitied. I know I have to start somewhere, somehow. I am not a doctor like my dad or my brother who is living the life of fixing people, that they often forgot how much they have helped others. I am not my mom who gives all her passion in education and own this ‘fixing other people’ by default.
I am who I am. I will be 30 years old sometimes next month. I don’t know who or what and how to fix. I just want to be a happier person. Hopefully, this will be a good start toward that direction.
See? Again… I am the center of my own universe… *face palm*
[end as a start]
The deal said, I have to tag 2 people that will take this viral thing to another level. So I tag barijoe, because he appreciate good songs a lot more than I do, and treespotter, because I have never tagged him 🙂 Enjoy the task. And don’t forget to comment on this page to ‘book’ your choice of song.