Finding Home

 

Home is where the heart is

Lucky Luke didn’t say that. He only sing about how lonesome it is being a cowboy who always travel only accompanied by his loyal horse. These words were written in one of the comic panel drawn as a background, a wisdom words framed on somebody’s house. Just a tiny detail that didn’t add much to the story.

I believe that home is more than just a cozy place which costs us rent (or credit  loan) and fancy furniture. It’s where I am allowed to be myself the entire time, walking around naked or sing like crazy pretending to be a rock star. A good home is the world’s best comfort zone.

When I decided to enter my hiatus period, I thought it was the time to ‘go home’. Take a break, clear my head, in order to seek the most precious answer of one most difficult question, “what do I really want to do with my life?”. Turned out, I felt like going everywhere but home. The first weeks were the best, it felt like holiday of a life time. Yes, I went back to my hometown, have the privilege to see my husband every day, but deep down, there was this tiny hole that grew bigger each day. And before I knew it, that hole made me hard to breathe.

I was longing for an answer, the worst part is, I couldn’t even define the question. I knew I should’ve been thankful for the options that came. I knew I was lucky to have options, where there are other people are living the life they didn’t chose. But being responsible for your own happiness turned out to be even more difficult than working on a job brief. I finally gave up. I prayed and asked Him to just show me whatever He think the best. Since there is no email this kind of relationship, I prefer to listen to my heart, putting aside all rational for a moment.

His ’email’ came, in a form of a feeling that were placed in my heart one morning when I woke up. I never regret it. But that tiny hole kept growing bigger, and the holiday of a lifetime turned into the longest hiatus which I didn’t really… well.. expect. I decided to live with it in case His other ’email’ arrived. This was my very first time living a period of time when the only thing I’ve got was time, and nothing else.

His other ’email’ came in a shape of a phone call. I was tired of being depressed so when I asked my husband should I go for it, he told me I sounded much happier than I’ve been lately, so maybe it’s what I wanted anyway. It’s only temporary but at least it gives me something to do which (hopefully) can give me direction of what I should do next.

I went back from my hiatus. I went back to my previous job which I used to call my ‘other home’. And it’s not permanent. When I sat down in the room I knew so well, discussing brief I once worked on before, with people I already knew for a long time, I listen to my heart and it said, “it’s alright” and so then I feel alright.

It’s only my second night in jakarta and it was alright when I was in the office, but when I am alone in my old place like right now… I realize that I’ve been getting used with having my husband within reach all the time and now my heart ache like crazy knowing the fact that he’s not here. And it hurts even more when I think how often I misbehave when I didn’t like myself and it might hurt him but he never make a big deal out of it which makes him the coolest person on earth.

After attending the office party tonight, I couldn’t help thinking about the true meaning of home. Some people greeted me welcome back and I said it felt good to be home. 

Home?

Home is where the heart is, where you can be your true self, and yes… it’s the world’s best comfort zone. But home is more than just a place with fancy furniture. Home can also be a person who bought you an expensive bookshelf and computer desk when you told him you want to redecorate your place. He is a person who gives you little surprises like your favorite fruit jell-o when you only asked him to buy you a pack of cigarette. He laughs with you and allows you to act annoying like a kid because he knows you so well although it annoyed him. He loves you for better for worst, that’s why he let you leave whenever you feel the need to leave to do your own thing, and he’ll always be there whenever you need to ‘go home’.

Home is not your office, it’s just work place, for God sake. 

Home is not only a place you’re living in, unless a person you love also lives in it. 

Home is that person.

Like Lucky Luke, I am doing my own search to find what I want.

But in the ‘home’ area, I know for sure that I am much luckier than Lucky Luke.

 

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